Do People on the Bus Think I'm Cool?
And if not, would I ever even know why?
What you’ll get from this article: A reminder to not worry so much what other people think about you.
No AI was used to write, edit, or otherwise modify this article. Which may mean the article is worse, but at least it’s genuine.
If I’m sitting on a bus, and the seats are filling up but it’s not quite full yet, what kind of person would take the empty seat next to me? What individuals would see me sitting there and think to themselves “This is an adequate human to be well within my personal space bubble, possibly for the entire length of my ride”?
And of course, it could be that many people don’t even consider the human, they just observe an empty seat and plop their rump into it, but I know that I consider each person as a temporary aisle companion, and I can’t be the only one.
So as I sit on the bus, watching each new face pop into sight as they climb the bus steps, I wonder to myself: which one will choose me?
Now, this is a complex situation. There is an endless list of dependencies that factor in, and that’s after assuming the person cares about their Aisle Buddy at all.
There is a whole category of dependencies I can’t even control. Things like:
Are there seats available at all?
Do they have someone they are traveling with?
Does this person need extra room or a handicap seat?
I’m less interested in these though, because they’re logistics. I’m more focused on how humans perceive each other, especially at first sight.
Each time I make a decision that affects my appearance, it’s a signal. Even if only intended a decision to be made for myself, there are downstream effects that other people see. And broadly, all of these signals get interpreted by the society around us.
My clothes, hair, gait, posture, color palette, facial hair shape, etc., all signal something about my beliefs, behaviors, and personality. These minute decisions dictate how I want to be perceived and how I think the outside world perceives me. I think these appearances choices make XYZ statement, and thus I can assume your thoughts when you see them.
I may assume you would think something positive, so I may be trying to pull some people in with some signals, to signal that I am one of them. With another signal, I may be trying to push others away. Maybe one signal can do both at the same time. If I’m a young punk rocker who wants to be joined by people with sterling silver spiked leather vests, maybe my attire also helps me be avoided by older men in tweed, so a good and a bad in the same signal.
To separate that out a bit, there are two signals just in my own head. One is what I think my appearance says, based on my perspectives and viewpoints. The other is what I think someone will assume of me based on my appearance, which I usually form based on their appearance. I’m drawing a conclusion about them, putting their identity in a box, and then doing one level up to see what the box I put them in would think about my box. For example, ‘that guy looks like a banker, he’s probably lame and going to assume I’m a steaming pile of bad news’.
And of course, there is what other people ACTUALLY think of me based on my appearance, based on their own past experiences, present state, and future projections.
Oh, my jacket looks like the one the villain in a movie wore? Bad vibes.
My face reminds you of a favorite teacher you had? Immediate in.
Maybe it’s just an especially bad mood kind of day for you and my friendly demeanor suggests small talk, which is just asking to bite someone’s head off. Sometimes even a win is a loss.
As for me, 80% of sunny days, I wear cotton gym shorts and a t-shirt. There’s no big logos or sayings (unless it’s a nice Juicy on the butt), and usually pretty earthy, matte colors. At any point at all, I could show up to a gym and look natural. When a new rider sees me on the bus, I am trying to use my clothes to tell them “I am a laid-back person and prefer inner composition over outer style. You can trust that I will not judge you because I know so little about fashion, I wouldn’t even know how to begin to form an opinion”.
Beyond that, I also usually hold my arms in an open-ish circle with my hands in my lap, to signal that I’m not cloistered up, but I won’t be getting grabby. In public, I keep my eyebrows high to signal approachability, and tilt my chin down a bit in the beginning of engaging anyone to signal that I am not being confrontational. My shoulders are also low and easy to signal peace and calmness.
But that’s just how it is in my head.
Another person may be walking down the aisle, see me, and think:
‘Wow, get a load of that lazy little weirdo, who is basically wearing rags and smiles at me like he knows who I am. Is he on drugs? Why does he look high? He’s probably going to ask me for money, I better not sit next to him’.
And I would have no idea. They might even pick up every single signal I’m sending in the exact way I’m sending it, and choose not to sit next to me because they want to watch some music videos that are slightly embarrassing, so they want to sit alone.
And you will never, ever know.
You might be asking yourself, if I have nothing to take away from this, and the whole thing is completely out of our brains and hands, what was even the point of reading this?
Well, it’s because now you have freedom. The freedom from ever worrying about how someone may judge you or interpret your signals, because it’s such a complex equation with a billion variables. The only thing you can ever control is yourself, and you’re fairly unlikely to get honest feedback from every person you interact with in society. You’re wandering around in the unknown.
Which is great, because it means you can Freak On, Little Bird! All you can do is send the signals and wait for them to be interpreted correctly. The only thing you have to worry about is being genuine. If you put out the most honest version of you, eventually the math will math with the right people, and the wrong people either don’t read the signals the way you put them out, or understand that they’re not meant for them.
Sometimes when the water is too strong, you just gotta let the ocean carry you and enjoy the ride, and not stress so much. And if you ever get in a tizzy about how the world might be seeing you, just remember that you can think of a thousand ways that are both positive and negative, and still have no real idea, so maybe just chill and do your thing.
With love, from me to you