It is ok to outgrow yourself

If you don't do the scary things, then you're wasting your time

There has to be a moment when you arrive, otherwise your path is stupid.

There are only so many hours of Modern Wisdom to listen to, so many Stoic writings to read, so many Esther Perel and Brené Brown lectures to be moved by, before you have to wonder when the road ends.

If you digest compendiums of knowledge and are still dissatisfied with your life and your behaviors, what are you even doing? If things have incrementally changed after all of that information, but the same things still keep you up at night, you probably wasted 90% of your time.

Eventually, you HAVE to arrive.

There was a specific phase where I realized that I wasn’t getting anything new from my chosen channels anymore. I learned everything that I need to learn from them. One more episode or book or channel would have extremely diminishing returns and really only take up an hour of space in my life.

What that really meant is that I had to stop hiding behind the excuse of information gathering. My sword was as sharp as it could ever be, so it was time to either fight or stab myself in the gut. Those are literally the only two options: use the tool you crafted or self-sabotage. Eventually, you have to get over the fear and take action.

If you’re only ever healing then healing is just your permanent state, and you’re never actually healed. It’s not a transition period unless it eventually changes.

I love the woo, but I see this a lot in spiritual communities. The same people, doing the same practices, listening to the same teachers, and struggling with the same internal problems, for years and years. Suffering the same traumas, battling the same inner demons. My friend, if they occupy your life in ways that prevent you from experiencing a better life, it is no longer a battle. Those demons won, they just let you pretend you’re doing something.

There are two stacked defense mechanisms that keep people in place:

1) Pretending they’re on a journey. They’re stuck re-reading the pages of Tolkien where Frodo is walking, and refuse to go to the battle scene. They’re moving, but not doing anything. This is hiding. If you see the same trees on your journey over and over again, you’re going in circles.

2) Acting above others. By looking at people not on the same spiritual discovery journey, they internally secure their place as ‘better than them’ and rest on that accomplishment, with a vague notion of progress from being at rock bottom. This is also hiding, and it is largely a false accomplishment if you never get anywhere.

What’s really a bummer is that people avoid it because it means they might be content. It means they’ve reached the moment where it has to be revealed whether they are good enough to be content or not, and it feels pass/fail. They would rather study forever and never take the test, because tests get graded.

It’s terrifying to arrive. To realize you gathered all the tools and still can’t execute the task. It solidifies that something is wrong with you, and tbh you’d rather just never know that concretely. So you avoid the challenge. A return of one of my favorite phrases: Easier to lie with the devil you know than fly with the angel you don’t.

Absorbing all the knowledge and still failing, doesn’t that mean you’re just a failure? And if you’re a failure, what hope is there? That locks the gate against hope, and without hope, humans internally die.

Lies. Your life is not that much of a movie, there is no final dramatic battle, and failure is a bump, not a never-ending void.

If you need permission, here it is:

You can fail. I will still love you.

Fail over and over again, no one gives a shit. It is 1,000% better to be known as someone who fails and keeps trying, versus the person who failed once then their life splattered. Failure is feedback, it’s signal. Even in the existential ways. You’re never going to really know if your learnings are worth it if you never test them. Never testing them means you never know if they’re worth continuing. If you continue walking on a path that you’re not sure is going the way you want it to, you’re failing yourself.

You have to arrive, don’t be scared of the pressure. You’re ready for the next phase of your life. It will be unfamiliar and it will be phenomenal. The work you have put in will bring you reward and you will look back at the previous versions of yourself with love and kindness, but you will be detached from them. You will be new.

It’s ok to let go. You’ve earned it. You’ll be fine.

With love, from me to you.

-Deacon

Note: No AI was used to write, edit, or otherwise modify this article.

If you have any thoughts on my writing or would like to chat (in person if you’re in San Francisco), please reach out! I would love to talk to you. Yes, you, specifically you.