Turning conversation into a dance
When the only intention is connection, there is nothing left to fear
It has come to my realization that many people do not enjoy first dates, networking events, or job interviews as much as I do. Apparently, ad-hoc engagement with a stranger is not topping the charts of many people’s List of Fun Ways to Spend Time. Crafting rapid and coherent responses is surprisingly stressful for some. Which is a bummer, because the journey of conversational connections has some amazing views.
Being ‘bad’ at conversations with strangers is not mandatory, it is a choice, and admitting a desire to develop more skills is the first step to improving. AA had it right. Admit you have a problem before you can change. Once you desire to improve, find the right tools to enable growth, and practice. You reading this, right now, is finding a tool. By the end of it, you’ve gotten your first mental rep towards releasing the fear of public engagement.
I acknowledge that random conversations with strangers can be intimidating. You have to piece together: Do I want to talk to this person? Do they want to talk to me? What do we talk about? How do they feel about that subject, positively or negatively? Am I talking too much? Am I talking too little? What do I do with my hands? How do I know when to walk away? How do I gracefully say “I’m going to walk away now”? What if they follow me? Have I learned enough karate to incapacitate them?
So many factors.
This challenge is worth breaking through, as choosing to let yourself be limited by fear is choosing a smaller, unfulfilled life. Immersive and honest connection with new humans really is lovely when you remove any traces of fear and shame.
So here’s some thoughts on how to chat up randos, acquaintances and friends alike!
Split between:
Mindsets that are important for enjoying conversation
&
Specific actions to take to improve
Important Mindsets to Improve Conversation
Curiosity will improve your life. I am stating that as a fact, because it is one. The desire to bring more adventure and knowledge into your world feeds your human desires for novelty, spectacle, and understanding. Conversation is grounded in curiosity. If you do not care to explore the borders of the complex entity across from you, there will never be honest flow to your words. If you don’t want to learn about the information and opinions that come from the other person’s mouth, preferring only to inform them of your own instead, that is not conversation, and you should be talking to a guy I know.
This guy Everything is interesting once you start to learn about it. Flower life cycles, steel manufacturing, clouds, international ketchup varieties, literally everything has depth to it, doused in abundant context, that can’t help but be interesting once you start to dig around in it. Humans are the same. Once you pass the shallowest depths of a human, I have yet to find anyone truly boring, because even boring people make me want to understand WHY they are so agonizingly dull and then bam, I’m interested again. Interest blooms from curiosity.
Conversation is a dance. If you do the hokey pokey in a mosh pit, you’re going to get punched in the face. Same goes for conversation. Every person, situation, and subject is its own dance, requiring grace and knowledge to match your verbal movement to the rhythm. There is no single set of rules to connection. You must adapt, often on the fly, but you can move in many directions. This is not as scary as it seems, but it must be acknowledged.
Shake that conversational ass You are a musical instrument. A kazoo, a timpani drum, and a harpsichord all have their own dynamic ranges and sounds but you would never mistake one for the other. A gong will never sound like a flute, but that doesn’t make the gong any less badass. It knows it’s delivery, the emotions and vibrations that it conveys, and owns that power. You should also learn your own ‘musical’ capabilities (ignore all my mixed metaphors, you get the gist). Comedians doing funny impressions of people exists because humans have specific cadences, deliveries, ranges, and idiosyncrasies in their dialogue. Learn yours and learn how to wield them.
Faces and bodies whisper while you talk. Your body language sends signals as clear of signals as the wet vibrations coming from your throat. Tension cloisters in your mouth, eyebrows, eyelids, jaw position, shoulders, hands, basically every section of your meat sack. Your body can reinforce or betray your words, and it is important to monitor and understand your body’s tension/relaxation patterns.
Communication is a skill. If chatting with strangers was a natural, organic thing to do, no one would have social anxiety. Yet it is common to be nervous and awkward about social engagement, so stop thinking that strategizing makes you a failure or less natural. Everyone should practice these skills. Pretending it should be a magical, natural thing from the start is cope for not wanting to make yourself uncomfortable, and many who are skilled have been subconsciously practicing their whole lives. Decide to build that skill.
Once you accept all of these to be true (they are), you can take action on these first principle concepts with a solid foundation.
Specific Actions to Improve Conversation
Slow things down if you need to. If you start to feel your breathing become shallow, like you’re running out of air, or your chest is moving too much, slooooow down. You can probably talk 30-50% slower and be just fine. I love to play a little game in my head that I call ‘Land The Plane’. I start meandering through conversations with no idea of where I’m going to take the sentences, and see if I can stick the landing. If I end up with a coherent thought that relates to the other person’s thoughts while also giving them a jump off point for continuation, I have Landed The Plane. If there’s a lot of turbulence mid-thought and I’m not sure if I’ll land it, my go-to strategy is to talk slower. Stretching out a sentence is a good way to add more emotional resonance, punctuate specific words, or add more body language. Let the plane coast a bit and it might just kiss the tarmac in one piece.
Trust yourself. Much of social anxiety stems from a fear of the unknown. You have no clue what that person is going to say and whether or not you deliver an adequate response within an acceptable time frame. Once their sentence ends, you have seconds to dish something back, and your brain has a funny way of freezing up whenever you expect anything out of it. It is understandable that this pressure freaks people out. Yet, once you grow to trust yourself, that all fades away. However, you do not have to trust yourself to respond quickly and cleverly. You have to trust yourself to figure things out in general. By this I mean, even if that you blunder and stumble through the conversations at the networking event, you will figure it out. If they kick you out of the group, you will find a new group. If they fire you, you will get a new job. If they chase you out of town with pitchforks, you always wanted to travel anyways. Trust yourself to deal with consequences, not conversation. If you learn not to fear the consequences, you are untouchable.
Focus on the Other Person’s Benefit. There is a wonderful feedback loop when you decide to do good in the world. First, you feel good doing it. Second, other people benefit from it. Third, you never have to feel shame from entering a conversation with the explicit and genuine determination to make someone else’s life a little better. Even if you’re not good at improving lives right away, intention matters more than output at the beginning, and output will improve with time. Benefitting others comes in many, many forms in conversation:
Laughing at the right time
Sharing a burden
Noticing something small and complimenting it
Helping someone feel seen and validated
Listening with intent
Giving a great recommendation
Many other small but incredibly valuable ways
Focusing on benefitting the other person rather than their perception of you releases you from the burden of needing to perform. They’ll remember how they felt more than your words anyways, and this ensures you leave them better than they started.
Manage an Exit with Grace. It does not have to be awkward when you want/need a conversation to end. To leave with grace, do two things: state a direction with clear intention & give direction the other person can follow. Firmness is what matters here. Taking charge is what makes the exit smooth. If you hesitate, you signal awkwardness, and if you signal awkwardness, it leaves a wishy-washy sense in the other person’s mind. Don’t say “Well, I should probably get going”. It’s too drawn out and uncertain, there’s no resolution, and it then requires the other person’s participation and alignment to end. Instead say something final, even if it’s vague. “I’m off to go toodle around” has come out of my mouth many times, no further explanation required. Then after declaring the end, give direction. Assure the value of the conversation with intention (either to continue connecting or not). If you’re never going to see them again, say “I am glad that our paths have crossed” and walk away. If you want to see them again, tell them how that might happen. “I will find you on LinkedIn and connect”, or “I will be at the next event here and will be looking for you”, or just “here’s my number, if you’d like to continue the conversation”. That signaling of finality or continuation is the easiest way to resolve tension. Take the burden of action on yourself, because then everyone knows the ball is in your court. Be confident here, both of you will benefit. Small caveat, if you are a man ending a conversation with a woman that you have interest in, leave the ball in her court. Give her your number, ask her to connect with you online, say you’ll be free on Wednesday if she wants to continue chatting, then leave. She now knows that the door is open, but is not incredibly pressured to walk through if she does not want to. Trust me, this is a good move, regardless of outcome.
Use Your Own Stories Wisely. It is natural for humans to connect their own lives to someone’s story. That’s how we relate and show understanding through lived experience. Yet, if it becomes a tug-of-war between whose life is at the center of the conversation, you’ve made an enemy of your friend. Relational stories should be two steps: show the other person you empathize, then support their story continuation. Be direct about supporting their story with a concrete statement. Ask a question after your story that lets the other person continue theirs. Do not let your story be a diversion or an ending for them. “That reminds me of this time my dog was silly. What did you do next?” is much better than leaving them dry to focus only on your dog. Keep the rule in mind that people want to be heard and seen. If you take a moment to wander in the woods, make sure you go back to the path.
Zoom out. Not every conversation is going to be winner, and you should not expect it to be. You’re developing a skill, be cognizant of that. Can you name any other skill you learned without stumbling? I highly doubt it, and this should be no exception. If one night or one meeting goes bad, zoom out. Wait until you get to a hundred, then count. Track in seasons, not days. See your life in phases, not as static. Cut yourself some slack. You’ll win in time.
Communication is the center of human connection, do not let it be a weak muscle when strengthening it is such a clear upgrade for your life. Conversation is a dance, but a dance that you can be wonderful at. Your fear of the unknown can be transformed into the joy of connection. These tips are not going to fix everything, but it is a damn good start.
Go out there and make your dreams come true, little rockstar.
With love, from me to you,
Alec