Why Everyone In Their Early 30s is Sad
And the birdwatching isn't helping
Everyone I know around my age (32) is questioning their entire life.
We’re at a stage where we put in the effort during our twenties and expected the payouts to come rolling in. The rewards were supposed to be bountiful. Livable house, fulfilling career, inspirational and caring friend group, the kind of life adults were supposed to have.
But for many, it hasn’t shown up.
Houses are more expensive and wages can’t keep up, unless they’re deep in the suburbs. So they commute in and spend 60 minutes of their free time behind the wheel. They’re too far to see friends regularly, and surrounded by subdivisions. Plans need three weeks notice, and cancellations are more normal than showing up.
Life starts to get smaller, digital personas become the new norm, and none of it feels satisfying.
Maybe it’s a problem of idealization, where we imagined a finish line that was really only just another starting line. Or maybe our expectations were never realistic to begin with. Maybe the world has just changed.
I watch people ponder career paths and interstate moves, trying to find a place to rest their bones. I myself have lived in 4 states since I finished high school and want to make sure my next home will be home for at least a decade. I crave a life of substance, and want to be part of a local ecosystem. We’re all looking, looking, looking.
Reaching your 30s means the birth of babies and the toll of wedding bells, which is wonderful for the family but challenging for friendships. Maintaining contact takes effort, and with trying to fit that in between child care, a dedicated career, life tasks, and romance, it’s no wonder hanging out at the brewery falls a bit by the wayside.
People try to fill the void by picking a hobby they see on social media. Bird watching might bring a spark for life back, right? Pickleball plonking is just fun enough to make paddle costs worth it. Whatever trendy new way to pass the time will work to make life feel less robotic.
But even the people with their weekend calendars filled still talk about missing something. They’re not sure what it is, I’m not sure what it is, but we agree that something isn’t quite there.
People in loving relationships- yup.
People with important, fun careers- mhm.
People living in the big cities, the mountains, and the beach- them too.
All missing this great big, fulfilling something.
Part of me wonders if it’s not even a thing. Maybe there’s actually nothing missing and it’s just the second Death of Innocence, where the rug of what the world was supposed to be and how life was supposed to go, gets pulled out from under you again. The first one happens during childhood, when we learn that the world can be dangerous. The second one might be happening in your late 20s and early 30s.
The time when you realize that maybe all there is to life is just to exist. Just kind of go through the days, solve your little problems, play around with little hobbies, and connect with other humans whenever you can. That your personal movie might not be a blockbuster for the ages, and that not everyone is the main character.
Which sounds kind of sad at face value, but it’s only sad if you relate it to something much bigger. If we set the threshold of expectation so high that normal life seems like a drag, the problem isn’t life, it’s the expectation.
The second part of what I’ve noticed is that some people thrive when the Second Innocence dies.
“You’re saying I can just be happy?” they think. “I don’t have to constantly be chasing some grand character arc?”
The pressure to try to have it all is gone. The family, house, car, career, friends, workouts, hobbies, social group, audience, volunteering, on and on and on.
All that yearning just dries up and gets replaced with gratitude.
You can just live, and do whatever calls to you day to day. The sadness only comes at the tail end of FOMO, where we see all of the absence instead of the presence.
The world is big and time is short, and choosing the top 5-10 things you want out of your life is much more satisfying than watching sand fall through your fingers as you try to hold the beach in your hands.
If you resonated with this at all, feel free to unburden yourself now. Let some of the expectation fall away and remember that we’re all just hairless monkeys on a rock in space doing our best, and that’s ok. Not everything is for everyone, and that’s also ok.
Life may not be everything all at once, there’s a lot of tradeoffs. But have fun with it while you’re here.
From me to you, with love
Alec
No AI was used to write, edit, or otherwise modify this article. Which may mean the article is worse, but at least it’s genuine.
I think it takes longer now to figure out what makes you excited and wanting to live. There's so much distracting us all the time. My kids are in their 30s. They both have their own businesses and live in NYC. I think they have a much higher belief in themselves than I did. Especially at that age. But maybe life is more about self discovery than living the lie that you should have your life together by the time you're a certain age. I'm in my sixties and am still seeking...so don't despair. What if life is for growing and becoming...